active aggression late-night session

i don’t have a journal anymore. i don’t want a journal. but nights like this happen where i just get so angry at how things were are and are going to be that i can’t stop myself and i just find the nearest outlet and blow it up with active aggression late-night session. tumblr is this outlet. facebook was about to be this outlet but no. tumblr is this outlet. as i type it’s getting, not better, managed. manageable. the first ten erased lines of this paragragh words that don’t exist. they were written with shift held down. it was bad.

better. better. humor helps. humor helps me feel like the problems aren’t mine. like the issues are someone else’s and i’m free to comment on his or her behavior. helps manage. puts each problem in a separate pile, i can look at each of them and say hey look at that one. look at this one. this is better than the way they tangled to begin with. but they’re magnetic. so this only helps right now. but right now is good. right now helps.

i put in a lot of effort that a lot of people don’t see. they don’t see the amount of work i put in to pursue and obtain and achieve. but that’s all right because that doesn’t bother me. i could go my entire life without anyone seeing me do the work i do. a lot of friends wouldn’t believe me anyway. it’s fine. that’s fine.

but what’s not fine is when nothing happens. i do not get anything. what i want is gone from between my fucking fingernails once i think i have it and i get left on the curb inside my brain wondering what i was doing, what was i even hoping to do, how did i get here. ANYTHING. NOT GETTING. i set my mind to something and try to help improve myself in small ways, even in ways that aren’t even improvements, before i finally trip, off of the tip of tryhard temple, and wind up in a place where the world spells out to me exactly why i can’t do these things and why i was wrong for trying. it’s okay, it’s an easy mistake to make.

like if the people, the places, the trees cars houses phones toys sun moon stars all were bodysnatched or if i’ve been replaced with the me that can’t make things work, that manages to make the bad decisions often enough that you’re convinced he thinks they’re the good ones. both of these things have happened and i feel no control here, i can only watch and wait and wait and watch the movie about a 21 year old child who doesn’t understand and he doesn’t understand why the world has it out for him or how he can fix things and how he can live. D-